Loss of Parents

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Out of the Storm

A new book, Out of the Storm, was published about a week ago. It’s an anthology of short stories, winners in a short story competition hosted by a Texas chapter of the American Christian Fiction Writers and HopeSprings Books. I have a short story in that book, “A Rumspringa Storm.”

I received my box of books three days ago. There’s something special about seeing the first book you have published and holding it in your hands. In this case I had written only one of the stories. But it’s still exciting. I won’t be making any money from the sale of the book. The proceeds will go to a scholarship fund for the American Christian Fiction Writers. It feels good.

As I thought about the significance of the book and its title, I realized that I’m coming out of a storm of my own. Over the past two years my family has been through one crisis after another. My mother died in April of 2013, and my father died last month. My father had dementia and was in the nursing home while my mother died with cancer. Over the last two years my father’s dementia had slowly robbed him of any dignity and all of his memory. His Parkinson’s disease had slowly worsened to the point that he could barely feed himself. He’s in a better place now. That’s where he wanted to be. He’s with God. And he’s with Mom.

As I think back over the last two years and my life during that time, I remember how turbulent it was. Mom’s unexpected diagnosis of colon cancer, then her quick descent and early death. Family issues and conflict that always seem to strain family ties. Then problems with Dad’s health at any hour of the day or night. Phone calls during vacations. Always wondering what would pop up next. And then watching him die with complications of influenza and pneumonia, knowing there was nothing we could do.

Now there is an empty feeling, a calm after the storm. But it is unsettling. All of the connections to the past are gone with Mom and Dad gone. It feels like a space with no landmarks, disorienting. Which way do we go? Where are we, even? What do we do next?

Conflict with family will continue…for awhile. Time for things set aside in the past couple years will return. Life will go on. But an emptiness will persist in my heart.

God’s presence is needed now more than ever. And His promise to never leave us is the foundation I depend on.

I’m sad that neither my mother nor my father lived to see my first published book. My next book, Mark of the Fire, is dedicated to Dad and uses the theme that was his favorite Bible passage to recite: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

I now realize my father gave me the advice I needed for this period of my life. The storm is over. Now what? I hear a voice telling me, “Trust the Lord to guide your path. You are now out of the storm.”

Marriage – Keeping the Bonds Strong

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Shopping is a Relationship

This one is for you guys. Here’s some advice that may keep you out of the dog house, which is where I ended up recently.

Women (or most women) love to shop. Many men don’t. And therein lies the conflict. My wife knows I hate shopping, and usually will spare me the torture. My idea of shopping is to research it online, order it online, and get back to doing something more important.

Earlier this week I learned an important lesson in marital relationships. We were shopping for some new chairs. I agreed to go along and help make the decisions. In fact, I actually volunteered. But by the end of the day I was tired. I had a headache. I just wanted to go home and watch the news.

Now my wife and I have always agreed that it is permissible to express how we “feel” when we’re having a “heated discussion.” We don’t attack each other. We don’t make accusations. We just say, “I feel like…” That usually works.

On this occasion it was not the right move. I felt like I had sacrificed to engage in my least favorite activity. I was being honest in expressing how I “felt.” As in, “I feel like I have really sacrificed to engage in this activity which I hate. I feel terrible. I just want to go home.”

Don’t do it this way, guys. We had a very silent, icy trip home. After we had processed things for about fifteen minutes at home, we had a heated discussion on how we “felt.”

What I learned was the following: To wives, our engagement in activities for them (and with them) is an expression of our concern for our relationship. Therefore it is something to be done without complaining. And complaining is received by wives as an expression of lack of concern for the relationship. So it is personal. And shopping is relationship…not an activity to be endured.

So guys, this is one time when the I-can-express-how-I-feel rule does not apply.

I hope this will save you some grief. And women (wow, I’m probably really setting myself up) if I have gotten this wrong, please set me straight. (Constructive criticism, please)

Guys, have you found any other exceptions to the rules, that can keep the rest of us out of the doghouse?

Take a Break

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It’s been too long. I’ve been taking a break. My excuse: It’s been the Christmas – New Years break. I didn’t actually have any time off in the office, other than December 25th and January 1st. But it’s time to take a break anyway.

We all need a change of pace occasionally, time to get off the squirrel cage, time to slow down, time to recharge the battery.

With New Years Day comes talk of New Year’s resolutions. I don’t make those anymore. They all get broken. But my wife and I have agreed to set aside time during an upcoming vacation to discuss where we are and where we want to go – a time to reflect.

January should be a time for life planning. We get so caught up in the urgent that we neglect the important. We forget what plans we had already made. It’s time to reflect and start over.

Where are we now? Where do we want to be? What direction do we seem to be heading? Is that what we want? Where do we think God wants us to be? Are we working to achieving that goal? Is it time to “repurpose” our life?

This isn’t original with me, but I highly recommend the following:

  1. Set aside a time for this purpose.
  2. Get away from your normal setting.
  3. Do this with your life partner, if you have one. What a great time for a brainstorming date.
  4. Prepare yourself by reading or rereading books that have inspired you in the past. Find new ones that will help you plan for the future.
  5. Write down your decisions – achievable goals, plans, a path to get there.
  6. Put your written plan someplace you will see it everyday.
  7. Review it regularly and make changes as appropriate.

Now get out there and take control of where you are and where you’re going. And let us know about what you’ve changed, what successes you’ve had.

Special Moments with Parents

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Sparkles of Clarity – Glimpses of Sanity

Two days ago I visited my father in the extended care facility. He has Parkinson’s dementia and needs twenty-four-seven care. The dementia unit at the facility gives him excellent care, but it is still depressing to visit.

First, there is the guilt of putting him in the “nursing home” when he made it clear (before his dementia became severe) that he wanted to be taken care of at home. Then there is the reality and sadness of his condition, sitting in a unit where everyone is napping or staring off into space. The residents are there, but the mind is empty. Such a sad disease.

But the most frustrating part is the inability to communicate. If he is awake, which is only half of the time, he can’t carry on a coherent conversation. Most of the time my boring voice puts him to sleep. And when he does stay awake, he doesn’t have anything to say.

Two days ago was different. Dad was awake. He was happy to see me. He clung to my hand and wouldn’t let go. He told me repeatedly that he loved me and how happy he was to see me. He even made a few brief forays into philosophy, mentioning the difficulty of finding Biblical truth in an evil world. He hadn’t been that “with it” for a year.

I realize that Parkinson’s dementia, in particular, has it’s on and off periods. But this was so out of character for Dad, that it brought moisture to my dry eyes. And it reminded me of the final connection with my mother while she was still alive.

The icing on the cake came when one day later I talked to my sister. She visits Dad almost every evening. Yet Dad doesn’t remember for five minutes that either of us has visited. She had visited Dad the evening after I had been there (in the morning). When she greeted him, he asked, “Where’s Steve?”

Wow!

What special memories do you have of time spent with a parent or parents?

Still Procrastinating

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Well, I haven’t done much better. At least I haven’t blogged for two weeks. My goal was every week. I have found some time to write. I reviewed a chapter of my critique partner’s work in progress. And I’ve had some time to do a little exploring of children’s literature.

I bring this up, because part of my plexus has to do with my children and grandchildren – wanting to leave a legacy. Wouldn’t it be neat to write a short story or two (or a children’s picture book) with the main character being one of your grandchildren. Or better yet, wouldn’t it be nice to write a book for each of them, in which they are the protagonist (the main character).

Today I sketched out a rough drafts of three stories. One for each grandchild. And next year there will be four. Now I need to read the books and study how these stories should be written.

In any case, it’s wonderful to find some time to write. I hope that I can incorporate leaving a legacy with my grandchildren.

So what legacy do you wish to leave with your grandchildren? What special activities do you do together? What gifts do you make for your grandchildren? How do you want to be remembered?

Hypocrisy

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Back on the Rack Again.

All of us who give advice must admit to hypocrisy, occasionally…or often. Well, it’s my turn now.

I’ve been writing about this grand idea of determining our plexus, and arranging our life in a meaningful and fulfilling way. I wrote about ridding our lives of the things that bind us to the rack, and finding those things that we weave into the plexus (network) of what we want to be doing with our life. In other words, getting rid of things that waste our time, and hanging on to things that are important and fulfilling.

Well, I haven’t been doing that, not lately. My wife and I are fixing up the house I grew up in. We’re planning to move into that house next summer. I have haven’t been doing much of the remodeling, but I’ve been involved in the decision making. We traveled to pick out counter tops. I’ve met with subcontractors. And now it’s time to get ready for winter: cutting firewood, cleaning out some areas of the house, refinishing some old cabinets. Plus, there are things to do at the office to winterize the office. I’ve been so busy I haven’t been writing…not at all. No time in the mornings at the office. Too tired in the evening after all the paperwork is done. None. Nada.

And it’s killing me. It’s turned me into an old grump. My wife is a saint to put up with me. But I have to get back to the writing…soon.

My plan is to begin reserving some mornings for writing as soon as the firewood is cut. But until then, stay away. I’m breathing fire.

So what are things that demand your time, and keep you away from what you want to be doing? What solutions have you put into place? Did they work?

Vacation in Holmes County

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Holmes County and Tuscarawas Counties

A week ago I was on vacation, and my wife and I went to one of our favorite places, Holmes County, Ohio. The purpose of the trip was to research a site for my next book – TRILLIUM TANGLE, THE PLEXUS PRINCIPLE. But it was a welcome retreat from the day to day grind and an enjoyable look at a slower time from the “olden days.”

East of Holmes County is Tuscarawas County. Sugarcreek is a small town just across the county line, in Tuscarawas County. It is an Amish community like much of much of eastern Holmes County. But Tuscarawas County has a history of coal mining. And coal mining history is very interesting.

As you drive the highways and back roads of Tuscarawas County, you see rolling hills with hay fields and pasture land. Behind those hills are large “hilly” forested areas. From the road, those hills look like part of the terrain. And they once were. But they’ve been mined – contour mined. Generations ago, the mining companies dug into those hill, taking the coal, and leaving huge “hills” of “coal spoil.” Now with trees growing on those spoils, those spoils look like part of the terrain. But look at the area from a satellite image, and you can see the ridges of coal spoils. It looks like ridges of mountains on a map.

I had the opportunity to hike back into some “unreclaimed” mine land. The Norma Johnson Center is a conservation center east of Sugarcreek. It has large areas that have reclaimed mine land, and some areas that are “unreclaimed.” The trails back into the coal spoils give a close-up look into what the land is like now. Steep hills, acid lakes, thick tangles of undergrowth, and many trees that have been growing for 40 – 50 years. Quite a jungle.

The director of The Johnson Center, Marsha Zoller, was kind enough to to answer my questions and give me some history of the area. I even discovered she had grown up in my home town and I knew her mother. The Ohio Department of Natural Resources’ director for abandoned mine land, Tyson Lamielle, met with us and gave us a history lesson on the mining in Tuscarawas County. Wow. What a rich history. So much more to learn.

I came away with the realization of how little I knew of Ohio history. But I did find the perfect setting for my next book, a large area of coal spoils with few roads into the area, and right on the edge of Amish country. It will be the perfect place for the antagonist to have a seclusive health clinic where unusual things are happening that affect world peace.

So, where are your favorite vacation locations? What kinds of activities draw you there?

Grandchildren

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Whew! Who needs an exercise program when you can chase grandchildren?

I returned from a two day writers’ conference last weekend, just before two of our grandchildren arrived. I had time to lay my bag on the counter and answer the door. Our son, Andy, and his wife, Trisha, were going out for the night and would get in late (early the next morning). We were watching Leighton and Averie until the next morning.

Leighton is two and is a real joy. He’s quiet, but he doesn’t stop moving…until he falls asleep for a nap or bedtime. He gets into everything, not to make a mess, but to explore how things work, how to take them apart, how to put them together. His curiosity amazes us. I’ve always called him “Scout,” because he is always looking for something new to explore. This past weekend he was in high gear, overdrive, turbo drive. So I changed his name to “Turbo Scout.” As a proud grandparent, I predict he will be an engineer. He loves lights. In fact “lights” (whispered reverently) was his third word. Maybe it has something to with the fact that grandma and grandpa patiently held him up to the switches so he could explore which switch turned on which light. Maybe he’ll be an electrical engineer.

Averie is just three and a half months. She’s so delicate, so beautiful, so quiet…until she’s hungry. Then she knows how to let you know she wants something to eat. And she’ll keep letting you know until the bottle is ready. There’s something about holding a granddaughter in your arms that makes you feel tender. I remember the feeling when I first held my infant daughter. She’s an adult now and has her own daughter. But, back to Averie. It takes two people to care for children, or at least it felt like it. I don’t know how mom or dad, alone, can do it. I certainly have regained a new respect for a parent who stays home to do child care.

We have one more grandchild, Regan, daughter of our daughter, Tessa. She’s fifteen months and lives outside our community. We don’t get to see her enough. She has the most beautiful smile. She reminds you of sunshine. If life weren’t so busy, we would visit her more often.

It’s so important to keep up on the grandchildren. And I admit that I do a poor job. They are our legacy. And it’s so important to ensure they are getting started in the right way.

What memories or special moments have you spent with grandchildren? Or what special things do you plan to do with grandchildren someday?

Hope and Change

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I found this entry in my journal from a couple weeks ago. I’m on the vacation that I longed for then. But I thought I would share my thoughts with you.

Did you ever have such a bad day that you just wanted to crawl into bed and wake up the next morning, so you could start all over. There’s something about a new day that gives us the hope of an opportunity to start over, make a change, make things better.

This morning I got up to a dreary Ohio October morning. It was cool for early October, and it was drizzling. And everything seemed to go wrong. But on the way to work I noticed a pink glow in the east. The sun was rising, and it gradually lit up more and more of the dreary overcast sky. By the time I got to my office the sun was up, but hidden behind the clouds. It was dreary again. I walked into the office in a steady sprinkle of rain.

The unexpected sunrise had lifted my spirits. I would be taking a vacation in the near future, and the sunrise reminded me of that fact. It gave me hope. It reminded me that I would have a change of schedule for a brief period, a respite from the monotony of the usual daily grind.

By the time I walked into the office, the glow in the sky was gone, and the cloudy wet morning told me that there was some “routine” before the fun began. But I still remembered the sunrise. It still lifted my spirits. And it gave me a little boost to make it through the day.

Hope is like that. We need it to survive life’s struggles. We need it to hang in there with the expectation of something better in the future. Sometimes we need it to remind us and motivate us to work for that change. Without hope we may as well lie down and die.

So what hope do you find that helps you make it through life’s struggles? Where do you find the strength to keep going? What gives you the anticipation to keep working for improvements or a goal?

Relationships

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4-26-14 Steve and Cindy Hooley

We don’t like to be alone. We turn on the TV when the house is empty. Some of us are on our cell phone constantly, staying “connected.” We Skype. We email. We tweet. We post on Facebook. It is within the human psyche to crave relationship.

As we explore those aspects of our life that are truly important, I would guess a large majority of you would say that your relationships with friends and family are at the top of your list.

You have heard it said that at the end of life many people express regret they did not spend more time with family. Few regret that they did not spend more time working.

At the top of my list of relationships is my wife. We call each other “bestest” friends. I tell people I am the luckiest man in the world to be her husband. No one else could ever put up with me, and no one else has ever loved me the way she does. I would be lost without her.

Now, children and grandchildren are special in another way, and that’s a topic for an entire post. We could write books on them. But today I want to focus on my relationship with my wife.

On October 1st we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. Wow! A real milestone, a tribute to her patience with me. We celebrated by going out to eat and shopping for a rock. No, I’m not talking about a ¼ carat or ½ carat diamond, I’m talking about a 1000 pound rock! How’s that for big? Actually, we shopped for a new granite counter top for a house we are fixing up. It was an excellent experience. We found what we both liked, and at a great price. It was a good day.

As I reflect on that day, I realize the significance was that we were together, we were in agreement on our decision, we were both excited about what we had found. It was the TOGETHER that was really what made the day memorable. And when, in the future, I look at that counter top, I will always remember our 18th wedding anniversary and what a great day we spent together.

So, now it’s your turn. What relationships are the most important in your life? What special stories can you tell to show experiences you have shared with that special someone?